Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would move hell over six inches for you

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Can’t, holding a grudge

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.