Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

i spent way too long on this

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions