Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Morning my dudes.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

Cha-ching is my safe word

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

[shakes fist at other fist]

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

why no one uses midhusbands

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.