Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

He has no idea 🤡

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

when you don’t want to be too vague

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

*aggressively waits in line*

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude