Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]