Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
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When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Yes
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?