Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
You Might Also Like
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
boat question
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
She puts the hot in psychotic
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!