Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!