Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[canadians at you, canadianly]

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car