Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel