Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

CRYING

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.