Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”