me watching my own Instagram story
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.