me watching my own Instagram story
You Might Also Like
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead