me watching my own Instagram story
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Baking is just science you can eat.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours