Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING![]()
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Fixed this for Shakespeare
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.