Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

Always the vampires

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.