Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?