Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

oppen heimer style lol

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits