me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.