ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”![]()
You Might Also Like
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”![]()
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The cashier just checked me out.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..