me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
White parent Vs Arab parents
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off