Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”