Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰