Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’d … I’d rather not.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.