[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
You Might Also Like
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
