Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?