Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

When I said I liked it rough.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.