Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My dad.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist