Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
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*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room