Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*