Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.