Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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