Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.