Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own