Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”