ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁