Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first