Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

Is fructose made with real fruct?

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy