Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Tremendous stuff

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore