Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

even bears disappoint their mothers

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up