Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.