Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.