Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

dads on road-trips be like

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.