Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Well, that should do it

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes