me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.