Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

i love meeting boys on tinder

good morning

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”