Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I’ll be mad as hell!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead