Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”