Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
This is my emotional support knife.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
