Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
