Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.