Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

Breakfast for Stoners:

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.