Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.