Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
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[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.