Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
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“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.