Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
You Might Also Like
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
At ease
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead