Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
🤣😂🤣
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.