Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
There’s always that one guy
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“I’m helping” 😅
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….