Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.