I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
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God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Someone just asked me if I was ‘happily’ married.
Single people are adorable.
ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious