wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
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How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”