@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

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@BreadFoster

I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

@IamEnidColeslaw

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@Anais_Lea90

Someone just asked me if I was ‘happily’ married.

Single people are adorable.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha

SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious