@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

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@brianbowman73

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@WilliamAder

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@NikiWithIssues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”