Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Chicago: hurt me
Me: eats pizza with a spoon
Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
What is your dream car and why?
Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.