@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

You Might Also Like

@vapidaccount

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

@TheHarmonster

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

@ericsshadow

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

@juliareinstein

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

@DurtMcHurtt

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@mdvaldosta

Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.