Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

meanwhile over on facebook

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.