Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?