Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.