Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Just this preview of the story is enough
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.