Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.