Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

i hate you platonically

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.