Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…