me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out