Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

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-Librarians arguing

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?