Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!