Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

im all 3

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.