ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
How dramatic are you?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
my sentiments exactly
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect