ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Jus’ sayin. 😐
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE