Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.