Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.