ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
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I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
