ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage