Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Sorry. Not sorry

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report