ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
good morning
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Love it! 👍😂
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
This is me 🤣🤣
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
This is always good for a laugh.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.