Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

I self medicate, therefore you live.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

this is the kind of friend i am

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy