Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.