me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.