Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.