me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye