Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
This makes total sense…
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
“i am a sweet baby”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Wait, let me explain..”