WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad
Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences
Warden: that is absolutely not how this works
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ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed