Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works

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WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad


I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.


I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.


INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one


Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up


Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*


girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.


“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed