Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences
Warden: that is absolutely not how this works
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
She’s constantly mad at me
“There are squirrels living in our house”
THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six