@portmanteauface

Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works

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@noog

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

@WildeThingy

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

@LaneSperkus

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

@SkinnieTalls

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

@buttgh0st

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”

THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN

@Donna_McCoy

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

@Birdhumms

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six