Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.